Maybe it was the unbearable thought of him dying alone
Maybe it was that I never saw his body
Or that I didn’t get to say goodbye
But I could not make myself believe he was gone
I looked for him for years
In airports
At stoplights
In grocery aisles
I heard his voice behind me at a concert once
I never turned around
I closed my eyes and let it be him
Two hours of singing and listening to music together
The concert ended and I lost him all over again
It’s hard to explain what he was to me
I made him feel ok
He made me feel ok
Together we were safe… home
He was such a beautiful mess of a human
Brilliant. Funny. Charming. An addict.
Losing him taught me to never leave things unsaid
To tell the people I love that I love them
Even if there’s a chance that they won’t say it back
It taught me how short this all is
That the most beautiful kind of love is the unconditional kind
The kind that isn’t dependent on having a thing
Or receiving a thing in return
The kind that can endure twenty plus years of missing